Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
